Some cunt has got in the way

As the wind whistles through the broken window of Sylvie the Honda Civic, and shameless bastards interrupt the latest episode of Fish At The Wheel by texting, Martin Fish tells the tale of Joan the Legless Dancer, the Fish Brothers mascot he first met in a skip. Becoming a beloved member of the Fish Brothers stage show, Joan is immortalised in song, getting the band into some 'armless trouble on the East Slope after they drink the bar dry. Martin rambles on to the band’s cake-caked comedy club audition before he remembers another thing he found in a skip: The Wanking Tapes...

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Some cunt has got in the way

Who's been wanking in my porridge?

As The Fish Brothers awake, ready for their tour of the Channel Islands, the shocking news comes through that Diana, Princess of Wales, has been killed in a car crash. Arriving on an island in mourning, the band find the audiences oddly unreceptive: "Everything we play is 'sad'." In an effort to cheer themselves up, the blundering fools take a trip to Jersey Zoo, only to discover Gerald the wanking bear, who reveals his talents before a crowd of onlooking schoolchildren and a Hobbit park ranger. Gerald becomes the inspiration for the band's take on one of the most famous songs of all time. Here, for the first time, is the full story behind the inspirational tune "Gerald Durrell's Spectacled Wanking Bear".

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Who's been wanking in my porridge?